Therapy Night: "Running a Racket"

I've really been meaning to blog about this for a while now... I'd like to make it a weekly feature to review my night in therapy and discuss what sort of crazy revelations came of it. The point isn't to air my dirty laundry, and/or provide a show for those of you voyeurs who love a good train wreck... tho of course both of those may end up happening. =P But really, it's more about giving you some deeper insight into my life, and maybe even help a few of you with similar problems to my own. Hell, it could be free therapy!

Anyways. I've been seeing a therapist since last April, ostensibly to help me deal with my various gay-related issues. But I spent most of 2008's sessions working on issues of commitment, which were really hounding me at work and school. (And by commitment I mean managing the ones I make to other people, vs traditional relationship commitment.) That thread sort of culminated in December, when my friend Tiffany and I decided to start an Integrity Journal and work through all of our host of unmet commitments. That's been proceeding apace, although Tiffany completely beat me in December with her awesome flurry of work over the holidays. Though I did actually clean out my bedroom at my parents' house to make room for my sister and brother-in-law... painful, but a very good thing to have gotten done.

But back to tonight. I went in to my therapist after a rather long weekend of school. I was at the new student orientation on Weds, where I met quite a few eligible young bachelors. For most of last week I was 3 kinds of excited about the guys, fantasizing about falling madly in love with one of them and duo-saving the world with our selfless acts of sustainability. By Saturday night I was completely depressed by the truth that they're almost all certainly straight, and I'm still alone and 32 and will never meet a man I want to date more than 3 weeks.

And then I was perusing the Facebook profiles of the few gay friends/acquaintances I have here in SF, when I discovered that apparently they all know each other. Amazingly, guys that in my mind were totally disconnected with one another are all friends, and have likely been hanging out together for years. And that put an even bigger hurt on me as I realized that they've all been socializing together for years, and I've never been invited out with them.

So I went into therapy angry and bitter and depressed. I was triggered by all the things I wrote above... I feel like I'm on the outside in the cold dark, looking in through a window at a beautiful holiday event where everyone is warm and cozy and laughing together. And I can't find the door to get in there... I know it's probably just around the corner, but I'm too scared to go looking for it. So instead I'm left out, suffering, and waiting for someone to rescue me.

So I shared allllll of this with my therapist. And boy, did he lay into me. He told me that I'm running a racket, just like a mobster with a laundry shop who's running shady deals in the back. From the front, it looks great, respectable, normal. But in the back it's a dangerous mess. I come off all friendly and charming and whatnot.... but the truth is that I'm angry and bitter and scared. OK, so maybe that's a little dramatic. But it's not too far from reality.

I've been hiding. I've known for years what I need to do... I need to make gay friends, spend time with them, get introduced to their friends, get involved in gay charities, go out in the Castro, etc etc etc. But I don't. My life is comfortable, I know my friends, I can get along really well in the straight world. But the gay world is scary and unknown, and I'm too chicken-shit to just sack up and immerse myself in it. And as long as I continue to hide, I'll continue to be alone. I don't have to face my fears, but as a result I'm in some ways terribly unhappy.

Every time I go out, I'm surrounded by straight men and women. That's fine, in some ways. But the problem is that my chances of meeting a man to date are nearly 0%. Instead, I look around the room at all these guys and think, wow, how awesome would it be if that one over there was gay? And that's the closest I ever get to the game of meeting someone, flirting, taking that colossal risk of asking them out... etc. The closest I ever get to dating is to look at someone and think, "what if..."

So.

Clearly I need to make some changes. I know what they are, and I have some first steps. But it's so fucking intimidating. I don't know that I have the courage to do it. And I have so many good excuses why I won't.... my job makes me travel, I'm in school, I'm a student rep, I'm buying a house, I want to see my friends, I'm not hot enough, etc etc etc.

I asked my therapist to tell me what to do. Instead, he made me tell him. So I gave him 3 things. I've got one done, and the other 2 are in progress. I'll have to keep chipping away at this with him, every week, I guess. He's been pushing me to join the SF Gay Softball League. He says it's zero pressure, lots of fun, and the guys are all friendly. I don't know if I will... I mean, I'm out of town for work so much, and I'm in school, and I'm buying a house... (see how easy that is?)

Right now I'm feeling... I dunno. Numb, maybe? I really don't want to deal with this... I want the perfect guy to be handed to me on a silver platter. But that won't happen. I'll need to put in the work, and deal with the rejection. And I have to put in the TIME. That's one of the biggest things. I'll have to spend a lot of time on this.

Intellectually, I know it's worth it. But that doesn't make it any easier.