If You're a Republican...

This doesn't apply to Big A's brand of smart Republicanism. It's more a send-up of the idiot GOP that evolved in the 70s/80s and has recently begun to (FINALLY) flare out. But it's a great call-out of how hypocritical and/or inconsistent the party platform has become. Not that the Dems are perfect, of course.

IF YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN YOU NEED
TO BELIEVE:

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals
and Hillary
Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy
when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with
him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden"
diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because
the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam
is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out
of the United Nations, and our highest national
priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iran.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own
body, but multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all
mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the
troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't
have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime
allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all
Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is
socialism. HMO's and insurance companies have the best interests of the public
at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in
the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

13. The public has a right to know
about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving
record is none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral
failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

15. Supporting "Executive
Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might
be born (in perpetuity.)

16. What Bill Clinton did in
the 1960's is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is
irrelevant.

17. Support for hunters who shoot
their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by
the quail.

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